Woke up this morning feeling about the same as yesterday. I'm finally feeling human (and way better than on the worst day of my flare, Monday) but still not back to normal so another day laying around in bed which if you know me at all then you know it is REALLY starting to drive me absolutely insane. The stiffness and pain is pretty much gone away but I still feel crappy and drained.
I also got a cryptic message in my chart last night from my doctor:
"no concern about doing ironman after steroid injection, however I think there is a real risk that exercise might cause the arthritis to worsen"
To be honest, as a patient I was very frustrated especially because during my appointment I point blank asked about my Ironman training and we had made decision about my care so that I could finish my 70.3--was he just warning me that it could get worse? Was he telling me to stop? Was he being like all the other doctors who told me I would never play sports, run a marathon (I've run 4--including qualifying for the 2015 Boston Marathon), do an Ironman. He was just being my doctor, telling me that this is a risk...which of course it is-I have a debilitating disease...BUT that doesn't mean I shouldn't try for something I really want... Mind over matter.
My newest thought as of this morning is that my goal for Ironman is moving from being competitive/being one of the top finishers in my age group---to just being able to cross that finish line at all. I just want to hear those words... I don't care at this point if it takes me 11 hours or if I barely make the cut off time. I just want to be able to do it, to tell my kids and my patients how I did an Ironman while in medical school despite everything saying I shouldn't. I am confident that I will be able to do the half ironman distance in 11 days at Racine but my confidence level for completing the full Ironman is definitely wavering. Given the recent events, my plan now is to cut back on the intensity of my training...my training program was following a Level 6 of 10 levels which is described as a triathlete who has a goal of qualifying for Kona and crushing your first IM. I will drop back down to a Level 3-4 and just really watch my body and listen to how it responds to the training. If I flare again and thing get worse, well then I think I have my answer but maybe this is just my body's way of telling me that I need to slow down and that I can't do it all. Funny, it has a way of doing that sometimes. I also have to think realistically about all of this occurring as I am about a month away from starting the hardest year of medical school and attempting to do this...yes, I hate to admit it but even I have limitations.
So today, I'm laying in bed thinking about all the things that could go wrong and hoping that they don't---wishing and praying that my body and my arthritis holds up long enough for me to hear those sweet words..."Brock, you are an Ironman" on September 7th in Madison WI. Keep sending me any positive mojo you have.
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